secure.

I haven't cried in language class in a long time.

I thought I was starting to get the hang of things around here. I thought culture shock was pretty much over, that I was able to control my emotions, and that I was starting to be a big girl. I thought I finally had my act together.

Apparently not.

Dang it. I worked so hard to learn my new vocabulary words and when it was time for the oral test, I froze. I got really nervous because Cynthia just aced her quiz, and if I didn't do as well as she did, well, you know, that means I am not as good as she is.

It also means that I am lazy and stupid and that there must be something wrong with me because everyone else can remember these words and speak perfect Nepali but Bethany can't even conjugate a verb yet because she is just... you know... not quite up to par with the rest of humanity.

I was so nervous that I forgot all of my words. Even words that I have known for months had left me.

I froze up. I couldn't speak. There I was standing nose to nose with my biggest fear: everyone was about to find out that I am not perfect.

Gasp!

I bombed the test and tried to hide my quiet tears.

.........


It's a funny thing, because lately I have been thinking about Luke's story of a sinful woman who anointed Jesus' feet. Apparently a "sinful woman" crashed a party full of really good Jews. It would be like a prostitute crashing a party full of pastors. She snuck up behind Jesus, anointed him with perfume, and started wiping his feet with her tears.

The pastor who was hosting the party did not approve of this because he mumbled under his breath,

"Sheesh, Jesus must not really be a prophet. If he were, he would know how unworthy this woman is to touch him."

Jesus, understanding the truth of what was going on replied with another one of those famous parables, and then revealed the kicker.

"Her many sins have been forgiven- for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Beautiful, right?

Don't you wish you could be free like that woman? Free to love much? Free from the expectation that you have to be perfect?

.......

So why did I try to hide my tears? Why do I feel like I have to be perfect? Why not use those tears to anoint Jesus' feet? I missed a beautiful opportunity to run to Jesus and to be comforted by him. All because I was afraid of not being perfect.

Jesus does not want perfect.

Jesus wants you.